Last year and half

The last year and half has been the worst year and half of my life. For the first time in my life, I've had regular anxiety attacks, stress aching my chest, and constant headaches.

It hurts enough that I can't find a job, I search everywhere, the newspaper, online, word of mouth, and I still end up at the end of the day unemployed.

I don't have many friends, fuck.. in a given week, I only talk to two people more than five minutes for the entire week. I think of suicide all the time, but I keep getting reminded of Chantal in the end, she's the only thing keeping me going, the only person who seems to even know I exist.

I worked my ass off in university going for my degree, but that doesn't mean SHIT. I've gone to countless interviews, "job tests" and still unemployed, all I can do is "keep my head up", but being told ALL my life I'm not going to amount to anything and I'm not going to be anybody - that's all I can think of now. I still vividly being in grade 7, being held to the ground, being suffocated by two people.. memories like that still are trapped in my mind. I was treated like crap my entire life, I don't expect to have a job handed to me on a platter, but I thought I'd do better than this. I thought I'd have more friends, I thought my mental health would be better, the key word is always "thought". It's not that I'm not doing anything, I am. I work my ass off trying to do better in life - but sometimes you're stuck in a rut. Just thankfully this is no longer grade 7 anymore.. but I still shake from memories of my youth.

Another thing, I worry too much as it is - whenever I do ANYTHING, that I think I accomplished something - It falls flat on my face, I get in shit for something. I was proud when I created a facebook fan page for bande a part, back when Facebook actually was decent, I got in shit by Radio Canada for it, and that's not the first time stuff like that happens.. it happens whenever I got interested in something, politics, coins, anything. I can't do anything right.. even photography I've gotten in shit over. I hate it. I worry too much what others think about me. I hate people frankly, people are greedy, annoying, and get in my way..